NOT ANOTHER IMITATION "80’S" SLASHER MOVIE…OK IT IS BUT STILL:A REVIEW OF THE PORKCHOP FILMS

 

Porkchop is one of those movies that slasher fanatics like myself scour the internet for. it’s one

of those films that everyone has heard of but it seems that no one has seen. Myself, and alot of

my fellow horror fiends have already gone through all the greats, the boggiemen if you will, the

likes of Jason and Freddy, Leatherface and Harry, even the alien killers like the Borrower and

we’re fast running out of films to watch with new and intresting killers to tear apart annoying teens

\and equally annoying camp counslers. Enter Porkchop.

Porkchop is a pig face and dirty overall wearing morbidly obese chainsaw weilding (well mostly

chainsaw he also utilizes other things such as lawn darts ,axes, croquet mallets and other things..ok

so maybe not so many other things just those three things but we’ll get to that)

Porkchop came to be when as a boy his pigfarmer father slaughtered his pet pig then locked him in

a shed attempting to force the boy to eat the pig’s varioius parts. the little boy refused and instead

lived off mice and other things for several months (they must have had one hell of an infestation)

Until finally escaping and first killing his parents and then escaping to a summer camp where he

dispatched everything else that moved (this was only explained, not actually shown which is one

of the biggest mistakes in a long line made in this film and the following films) 

An undisclosed

ammount of years later a group of friends (a slut, a slutty cheeleader, an unhappy couple, a really

 obnoxious english punk rocker, a nerd and the nerd’s horny obnoxious robot) Then comes almost an hour of driving and random useless scenes of dialog, mostly unheard due to really shoddy audio

quality. 

The kills when we get to them are very rushed, alot is left to the imagination which is ok

in a hitchcock film but when we’re talking about a shot on video slasher film we the fans expect

more. the other big problem that comes to mind is elron, the obnoxious robot. nothing more then

a walmart bin, dryer hoses an old computer monitor and a furnace vent, elron, other then being

 pushed along by somone offscreen in some scenes remains completly imobile! How hard would it have

been for somone (perhaps the aforementioned offscreen crew memeber) to move his arms or head occasionally?

What’s the point of having the character in the first place if you don’t plan to utilize it?

Theres even a scene where Elron is “having sex” with one of the female leads and the girl’s skirt

is down covering any point of entery and we can clearly see that the “huge” robot cock is nonexistant! come now! How difficult would it be to make a fake dong for your robot! use an old spraypaint can and a chopped and half tennis ball, add two more tenis balls for nuts, spray paint the whole silver and BAM! your robot has a cock! In another scene our punk rocker takes a shit in

a fireplace for no dicerable reason and then pulls his pants up and sits in the shit by accident

only to later on in the film reapper with the ass of his jeans completly shit free! what the fuck

guys! two year olds make fake shit all the time! it may sound disgusting but if a character sits

in shit I EXPECT TO SEE SHIT ON HIS PANTS! in yet another scene a chearleader gets a chainsaw

(on….a….stick?) shoved up her vagina and all we see is her spitting up blood, apparently having

an orgasm and then falling out of the tree she has climbed to escape Porkchop…GOD DAMN IT! This

could have been the coolest kill scene ever! Rig a fuckin dummy and cut the fucker in half crotch

first guys! For the love of god! they set up the joke 20 minutes earlier most of us sat through

this thing JUST FOR THAT KILL and this was all we got!!! the scene where porkchop is defeated is completely

nonsential as well. Porkchop gets moonshine on him and then said moonshine starts on fire and

torches the fuck out of him..makes sense right? so one of the survivors lit the moonshine..ok.

Anticlimatic as all hell but it works i guess…EXCEPT NO ONE HAD A LIGHTER, A MATCH A FUCKIN

CIGARETTE NOTHING!!! Porkchop just spontaniously combusts out of nowhere WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!

Now before you read this and say “Man fuck this movie, sounds like it sucks” and skip it, let

me stop my mean spirited tirade to say this. there were quite a few funny momments to be found

here. the comadore 64 references will definatly bring a smile to the faces of nerds of the olden

days, Elron can be downright hilarious at times and the 2 rednecks who run the general store as well as

the weirdo hillbilly with the “you’re doomed” routine were laugh out loud funny. which is

strange considering every other review i’ve seen for these films stated these characters

were grating and unneeded i disagree strongly. they save this movie and make it watchable.

Porkchop himself also has a kickass backstory and i really enjoyed his look (farmer jed from hotel

hell crossed with leatherface) but the actor in the costume could have done alot more with

body language and movement which was quite a disapointment. Overall the first Porkchop was a

cool idea and it had it’s momments that definatly make it worth a glance, the first kill is

epic and the performance of the rednecks was steller overall i give it 1 middle finger up due

to the problems i listed above. it would have worked far better if they had cut out all the filler

and simply made it a short film. Now on to the sequel..let’s see if these boys learned anything from

the mistakes of the first film

PORKCHOPS starts off with what have to be the ugliest lesbians since Easter Bunny Bloodbath One of whom has a skeletal manish face addorned with the

grossest most boogerlike mole ever recorded and the other whom could have easly passed for a fat emo boy. We get to see their tits (although not sure what kind

of sick fuck wanted to to begin with) before (thankfully before we have to endure anymore gross badly simulated sapharic love) PorkChop shows up and kills the two lovbirds

the first kill is very anticlimatic, (he simply steps on the head of the lesbian who is doing falatio on her lover until she sufficates in her vagina) but they make up

for it with the second kill where our favorite pig faced antipacifist shoves a farmer’s hole puncher into the abdomen of the second lesbian, ripping out her intestines.

We also get our first glance of Porkchop himself, who apparently went on the slim fast diet for Psychos as he is now half the size he was in the first film. This is

ok, however because this can explained by him being, not the same porkchop from the first film but a copycat, as implied in the end of the first. And it also lent me hope

that perhaps the makers of the films realized they needed a new hillbilly with more flare for mime acting to don the overalls and pigface.

Soon after the first two kills we meet simon and his family who have recently purchased the house formally owned by Porkchop’s family. WHy are they moving here you

ask? Because times are rough and his dad lost his job and they got a “good deal on the place”…if you’re scratching your head at this logic you arn’t alone, but hey

it’s a slasher film not what dreams may come part 2 (thank GOD!!) and these things arn’t exactly revered for their complex storylines and stuff making sense.

We also soon find out that Simon’s dad is a complete prick who, kicks Simon out of the car and forces him to walk, in simon’s own words “really far” along the

way he meets meg, another “teenager” who makes her fun by putting on a plastic pig mask, then jumping out and punching people in the face before shouting “you’ve

been pork chopped bitch” and (according to what she says) ….throwing fake blood all over them..?(she never does this to simon but ok) she mistakes simon for a

handicapped boy and so pulls her spiel on him and then quickly apologizes when she realizes he’s not the afformentioned handicaped boy and offers to walk him home.

(apparently assaulting a handicapped person is completly ok but doing this to somone who’s new in town is completly unheard of) We find out very quickly that meg is a

bit of a Porkchop buff..to say the least and when she finds out Simon lives in his old house she quickly befriends him. which leads to…random singing sequences..?

WHAT THE FUCK!!?  Perhaps i missed out in high school but i don’t recall any uncorographed random singing when i first met somone..i’m guessing that alot of drugs were

done when these sequences were done, and maybe this seemed funny when it was being written but for me it just made it so i now offically wanted every character i’ve met

so far to be killed, and horribly…but, once again, this IS a slasher so maybe that’s a good thing. As we go we meet more and more cannon foder for Porkchop, we learn

that the school is populated by rapists, disease spreading rich kids and all around bullies, we also get the first offscreen kills when 2 rednecks are attacked by

Porkchop and…apparently hung up with intestines attached to their belts….? And of course we get a montage, a montage of a teacher teaching his class about

Porkchop. Why the dialog was removed and replaced by annoying rock music is beyond me i can only guess that the sound was so bad that it was unusable so perhaps they

did learn somthing from the first film’s shortcomings. We do get a return of the redneck store owners (one of which has been replaced by a very gay very fat black man

for some reason…? this would bother me more if he wasn’t so fuckin funny and if it wasn’t so obviously a thought out decison to make this replacment) And once again

these two characters have brought some life into an otherwise dead on it’s feet horror flick.

Our next kill happens when a couple of horny teens (one of which is another hideous girl we get to see topless..am i seeing a trend start?) have very quick, supposedly

funny offscreen sex. Porkchop shows up and shoves a bong through one teenager’s head while he’s smoking from it (a cool if very fast effect) and drags the girl off

for YET ANOTHER OFFSCREEN KILL!!! (guys if you don’t have the budget for 2 kills don’t give us 2 victims this isn’t rocket science! And for the love of god no offscreen sex EVER!)

 When Simon’s parent’s have to return to… “the city” because the

movers never showed up with their things and they have to try to go track them down, they leave simon alone with the house and a few dollars and him and meg

make the decision any set of teenagers who completly despise their asshole classmates would make..they have a party and invite their asshole classmates! And said

asshole classmates decide they think hanging out with two people they likewise despise is an awsome idea, not because they will get free beer but because of the

address on the invitations..is this because they’re thrill seekers and want to party in the old house of the notorious Porkchop? NOPE it’s because it’s the new kid’s

house and they all want to “Kick his ass and give him a wedgie” WHAT THE FUCK?? lol now you may not realize it because i’m shitting on this movie so much but i

actually enjoyed this scene quite a bit, it’s so godawful and ridiculous that’s it’s offically become so bad it’s good..at least this scene. let’s talk about the rest..

The assholes show up, but first i got the first real suprise in this series when simon is killed..unfortunatly he has the most anticlmatic deathscene in the series

to date. Porkchop just walks past him and cuts his throat…thats it. then when the assholes get to Simon’s house they’re greeted by Meg flashing (although we only see

this from behind…meaning the only time in the film we may have wanted to see a character’s tits we don’t!) they then take off when they realize they won’t be able

to wedgie poor simon afterall. we get more badly simulated sex (this time on screen, although lasting a grand total of 13 seconds or so and featuring a woman with

the physical shape of a 13 year old boy) followed by a hysterically poorly done kill scene where one of the boys dies by having his head gingerly smacked off a tree

with horrible editing in between hits to add blood and then more horrible editing when they switch his head for an obvious rubber head…not to mention his fingers

being chopped off by what appears to be a stick and his hand magicly transformed into a really really bad rubber prop. Another couple winds up in a barn where we

find out from one of our friendly neighborhood asshole 40 year old teens that Porkchop is also a kidnapper and a rapist. followed by girl from the other couple mentioned above being zipped up in a sleeping bag and kidnapped. Then we get a semi-decent kill where a tiki torch is shoved down an annoying 40 (ok this one looked closer to

50) year old teen’s throat and out the back of her head. i say semi-decent due to the complete lack of any blood. this is followed by meg and one of the assholes (who

for undisclosed reasons decided to stay behind and watch tv on simon’s couch) who have just seen tiki torch teen killed, deciding to take action..unfortunatly for them theres

no house phone (why…who knows..sounded good in the script i guess) and theres no cell reception (no one checks this, meg just says so, so we assume, although theres

no reason she would know such things considering she doesn’t seem to own a cellphone, that it’s a fact) and so armed with a knife and a..potato masher..i think..? they

take off into the woods, where they do the logical thing and stop and have a heart to heart conversation…WHAT THE FUCK!!!! We find out that the main asshole is an asshole

because he was molested after a baseball game. He then (thankfully) has his head (bloodlessly) chopped into bits after it miraculously transforms into a pumpkin with

a wig on…a bad wig lmao. theres certain parts i’ll leave out here due to a lack of desire to spoil the suprise (THAT’S RIGHT WE’VE UPGRADED THERES A SUPRISE!) with

the credits we also get a few uneeded and unfunny bloopers and afterwards one of the worst afterthought add in death scenes ever shot when coolduder (one of my

favorite reviewers just cause he’s so damn friendly) and his family are killed for saying the name porkchop on tv. WHAT THE FUCK GUYS IS PORKCHOP BLOODYMARRY NOW TOO!

WIth the review i just gave you’re probably thinking i’ll give this one a equally as bad or even worse review as the first..well..YOU’RE WRONG! Porkchops is not by

any means a GOOD movie, but then if it was, chances are i wouldn’t be reviewing it to begin with. What it is is fun to watch. The new guy in the porkchop outfit

brought some intresting maneraisms to the character (although alot more is needed to make him one of the greats), while it was filled with alot of uneeded filler

most of it was funny and intentional. the kills (while they still need a fuck load of work) were more creative and more was shown then in the first one, the sound

problems were less reoccuring. there was only a few things that irked me alot about this one.. first off, the moon shots. this film contained about 15 shots of the moon

for no discerable reason. Pork Chop is not a werewolf and adding shots of the moon does nothing to make day for night filter seem any more believable or to add

ominous feelings to the setting. it just felt like more filler to me. secondly, the camera work, often throughout the film we see the camera go in and out of focus

in a film that’s low budget and shot on 35mm this may make sense to leave somthing like this in the movie…but that is not the case with porkchop which is obviously

shot on digital video, not reshooting these blurry out of focus shots was inexcusable and lazy. Third the two rednecks that make this movie funny are barely seen at all.

These guys are the best characters you have UTILIZE THEM! and last and most irking of all, we once again see (or rather don’t see) far to many off screen kills. i say this

constanly. IF THE BUDGET DOESN’T ALLOW A PROPER KILL DON’T KILL THE CHARACTER! with the effects as laughably bad in this film theres no excuse not to add a few more

really shitty kill scenes. THEIR SHITTINESS IS WHAT MAKES THIS MOVIE FUN!!! But once again i have to say this film was a great improvment from the first and was

genuinly fun to watch. I give it 1 middle finger a fourth of the way extended and only because it was so damn lazy with some of the kills and camera problems. I’m

hoping this series will continue and continue to get better as it goes and am wondering what these guys could do with backing from one of the bigger indpendents like

Troma Team Video..a move they should definatly consider.