FUNNYBONE MASSACRE: A Quadrupple Review Of: MUTANTIS, JUNKBUCKET, JUNK BONDS, and WITCHING AND BITCHING

 

Horror is a genre that has taken quite a licking. From the massive banning in the 70’s and 80’s and dismissal by the critics, to the complete castration caused by sleek, mainstream crap like Scream and I know What You Did Last Summer.  It is also a resilient genre that always lives on in the indie world, growing, evolving and changing shape. As much as I love straight forward, frightening horror I must admit, as time goes on I find myself being drawn into the funnier side of the genre. Horror Comedies (when done right) offer up the shocks and cartoonish violence I desire while also offering up the laughs I need in a continuously more depressing world. Today we’ll take a look at some of the best of the best of the sub-genre.

 

The first film we’ll discuss comes from our long time friends over at Dire Wit films, the mastermind weirdos behind the creation of fictional Italian Director Antonello Giallo and his hysterical psycho-sexual “horror films” Pleasures Of The Damned and Isle Of The Damned (as well as the amazing and hard hitting 7Th Day) This marks the first Antonello film not to feature our beloved detective Jack Steele and also marks the directorial debut of Kelly Fitzgerald. I was a bit hesitant about this one (I’m a huge Jack fan and I was at first saddened by his absence) but boy did I have no reason to be!

MUTANTIS begins in the late 60’s a time where dangerous “free love” and rampant use of dangerous drugs like marijuana threatened to destroy society as we knew it and the industrialization of our beautiful country left toxic waste being poured everywhere and anywhere. An abomination has been born due to the folly of man, a monster so terrifying, so brutal, so horny, merely looking at it would cause explosive diarea, madness and even..tennis elbow! Sex crazed immoral scientist Father Joy has brought his teenage step children Cindy and Dennis, along with Cindy’s friend Laura out into the woods to locate the creature (whom he believes to be the legendary bigfoot) Hiring on a crew of rednecks to aid him and stumbling upon a husband and wife scientist who’s help he also enlists, Father Joy will use all of them as cannon fodder if that’s what it takes to succeed and receive the ill founded fame he so desires. Soon though, the rampant sex and drugs the two girls get involved with when the stumble upon a gang of hippies, will awaken the blood and bodily fluid crazed monster and no one (‘s anus or vagina) will be safe!

Gross, playfully offensive and gleefully ludicrous, Mutantis is one of the most idiotic things I’ve ever seen in my entire life..so of course I fuckin’ love it!

Mutantis does the unthinkable, tossing together a 60’s creature feature with a 70’s Italian film and more genital mutilation then a Saudi Arabian courtroom to give us what may just be the best damn Dire Wit film ever!

 

The acting here is of the typical Dire Wit films variety, purposely hammy and cartoonishly bad, you’ll either love it or despise it, however if you despise it chances are you’re on the wrong damn website right now.

 

My favorite character here was Dennis, obviously played by a woman with a bad fake mustache, “his” whiny, ultra moralistic attitude made him come across as a bizzare, yet effective mixture of Beaver Cleaver and Joe Dirt. He was so out of place among the rest of these weirdos that his mere presence made for comedic gold, especially in the “masturbation is for gays” scenes that permeated the feature.

 

The monster here was what really sold this thing for me. I’d bet my bottom dollar that this thing was a wink at cult classic shitfest Blood Beast (a movie about a man turning into a vamperic turkey due to chemically enhanced turkey..not kidding) as it looked like someone made a bad pineata version of a cross between a turkey, a lizard and a lobster and shoved a drunk guy in it! Flesh that out with a leaky penis that slides out of a Venus fly trap vagina and WE HAVE A WINNA!

The gore here was even more over the top and cheesy then the other two entries in the series, a bit on the lighter side then other two in my opinion but that seemed somehow fitting as this is the 60’s rather then the 70’s or 80’s, and narry a shitty CG effect can be found which was a breath of fresh air.

 

The score brought back immensely talented Paul Joyce who’s work in 7th Day, Isle Of The Damned, and Father’s Day (just to name a few) have already made him my favorite modern day composer. This time around Joyce blew my mind even further by creating a score that managed to blend and mix styles that I would have thought impossible, picture Sergei Prokofiev meets James Lynch meets John Williams meets Lips Inc. and you’ll have an idea but trust me this has to be heard to be believed.

 

The DVD also featured some great features such as Bloopers, a fun little short about a Mime in an abusive relationship, and commentary but my favorite feature was the hysterical little video of Mark Leake reading some assholes’ comments on previous Dire Wit films that played on Netflix. Watching him smile and politely address these cockfaces really cracked me up and this alone made this DVD worth picking up.

 

Overall I give this film 2 middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone, it’s a must have for anyone with a love for bad movies and a sense of humor. I seriously hope they really make City of The Damned..AND BRING BACK JACK DAMN IT!

 

Most killers go for the head, the neck or even the guts but the next two films we’ll be discussing follow a killer who goes for some much more delicate bits and pieces..Oh that’s right, guard your wedding tackle, it’s time for Junkbucket!

JUNKBUCKET Introduces Cassie a young 20 something who has inherited her family cabin out in the middle of nowhere on Lake Pakajanomo. Memories of the place are hardly heartening, as she was attacked by a hideously deformed monster of a man in the surrounding woods when she was a child. Her and her deaf, mute quadriplegic brother and some of her friends decide to head out to the cabin for one last weekend of fun and debauchery before she sells the place. Fun is far from what is about to occur though. The monster she once saw is none other then Junk Bucket, the child of an incestuous rape, his mother castrated him, tossing his genitals into a bucket and leaving him for dead in the woods. Now a hulking maniac, Junkbucket wears that very bucket on his head to cover his repulsive appearance, catching anyone in his path and cutting off their genitals to add to his macabre collection. Cassie and her friends are now on Junkbuckets hunting grounds and their junk is on the menu..Who will survive and what will be left..of their genitals!?

 

Silly, outlandish and surprisingly endearing (for a film about castration) Junkbucket is by far the funniest Friday The 13th part 3 parody featuring a rampaging mongoloid eunuch with a bucket on his head that I’ve seen all month!

Rather then take the lazy and more traditional approach of simply copying it’s source material, Stephen Lange instead creates a story all his own while showcasing all the main points of the original material, creating an on key, engaging bizarre little film that’s as fun as it is endearingly repulsive.

 

The acting here was actually quite good, campy yes, but only for the sake of staying true to the movies it lovingly pokes fun at. In particular my favorite character here was Ben, a selfish asshole who actually does what we all say we would if in a slasher situation and gets the fuck out of there!

Junkbucket himself is also worth mentioning, tall slow moving and menacing, he’d actually work quite well as a legitimate slasher if not for the hilarious bucket on his head and cock and balls for his nose and cheeks. I have to commend Lange for the brilliant jab at the ridiculousness of the use of  mundane masks that’s created legends like Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers.

 

The gore here was very silly and cartoonishly fake but if anything this works in the favor of the film which could easily have come across as mean spirited if it was done more realistically.

 

Overall I give this film no middle fingers up, it’s funny, it’s ballsy and it’s legitimately a good flick. I highly recommend giving it a shot.

 

Junkbucket wasn’t done with just one film, and for the second outing..he brought some friends!

JUNK BONDS: The Return Of Junkbucket brings back sole survivor Cassie. Unable to deal with the madness and guilt of surviving the first massacre she’s haunted by endless nightmares until she finds herself kidnapped and once again in the clutches of madness, this time not only with Junkbucket but with his even worse insane adopted family (in a strange coincidence named the Buckets) Now it’s up to her boyfriend and Ben’s stoner brother Matt to stop the penis possessed fucked up family..but it’s Junkbucket’s Birthday and everyone’s invited..at least their lower halfs!

 

A rare case where the sequel soars above the first, Junk Bonds is a dead on, brilliantly crafted Texas Chainsaw Massacre Parody that packs even more laughs then it does lopped of pudding slingers!

 

The acting here was once again very well done, particularly in the case of maniacally energized, animalistic Moseley, who steals the show with his insane antics. Also of note is Matt, who’s child-like yet earnestly friendly presence gives us a character we can really root for…and feel bad for (I’m not telling you why as it’d be a serious spoiler)

 

Junkbucket got an awesome makeover for this one, replacing the simple bucket with a torn and stretched human face covered version.  He’s also given a kick ass bladed club as a signature weapon and his makeup is quite a bit better here.

I had to mention a nice little touch alot of people will likely miss. Continuity issues are mentioned and then simply dismissed in a funny little poke at franchise fuck ups on numerous occasions here. This really tickled me.

The gore here is taken up a notch as well, still coming across as appropriately cheesy and cartoonish but alot more gruesome and effective.

The cinematography had a grainy 16mm appearance (although likely digital film with a filter) that worked very well with the TCM theme and the day setting made for some gorgeous naturally lighted scenes that showcased the scenery to the fullest.

 

Overall I give this film 2 middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone. I’m doing everything I can to get this one picked up for wider distribution the world needs a Junkbucket action figure with switchable buckets!

The last film we’ll be discussing was sent our way by the awesome folks at MPI and is being released under their IFC Midnight label. When I saw that the film was from Director Alex De La Iglesia (whom directed the darkly funny, severely fucked up classic The Last Circus) I was stoked. I mean this is a man who can tickle your funny bone with a sharp pike like no other! Not only that but this flick is touching on a topic vastly ignored by the Horror Comedy community for far to long..WITCHES!

WITCHING AND BITCHING focuses on Jose, a desperate and broke divorced Father who’s sick and tired of his bitchy ex-wife demanding alimony and has decided the best solution to his woes is to rob a cash for gold store then take off to France with his son Sergio. Not to miss a day with his son he brings the boy along for the heist and along with Antonio (a stranger and fellow desperate individual) he pulls the thing off (while dressed as a golden Jesus statue and Antonio dressed as a green solider…)  but not without a severe hitch when the getaway car is stolen and they’re forced to run from police in an occupied Taxi! Now on the run the group (now joined by hesitant accomplice Calvo the Taxi driver) the group soon decide to hole up in a small town called Zugarramurdi, unfortunately for them this is where the real trouble begins as the town is really a base for a psychotic coven of man eating (quite literally) witches who are hellbent on making them into dinner and heralding the male apocalypse with Sergio as their unholy chosen one!

 

A deliciously politically incorrect, hysterically in your face social commentary about the on going battle of the sexes that comes across as a wonderful mixture of Evil Dead 2, Dusk Til Dawn and Hocus Pokus,  WITCHING AND BITCHING is a whimsical tongue in cheek romp that delivers laughs, insanity and terror in equal amounts.

The acting here was great all the way around but my favorite character didn’t pop up until the third act in the form of the surprisingly helpful and polite (though completely insane) Luismi. amazingly unbroken by severe abuse by his mother and sister (both witches) the scaly skin covered, lanky mad man’s friendliness and willingness to help the outsiders fight his family made for some great absurd humor.

 

The effects here were amazingly well done, particularly in the case of a monster that shows up (we won’t talk about what it is as it would be a spoiler) who is done fully in CG but is virtually flawless. American filmmakers need to take note, if something like this can be created on a miniscule independent budget then there is no excuse for the shoddy CG crap we see all the time in billion dollar movies.

The cinematography here appears to be 35mm and has that same gorgeously dark Gothic otherworldly quality I’ve come to associate with Iglesia’s work, particularly in the night scenes that make up the majority of the film. I must say I also loved seeing the beautiful and quaint little town of  Zugarramurdi, which had a character unlike anything we’ll ever see here in the states.

Overall I give this film 2 middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone. It does for witches what Shaun of The Dead did for zombies and more and I can’t wait to see what Iglesia throws at us next!