They don't call him that for nothing: a review of Big D Vapors

 

Typically when it comes to vapes we tend to look at the manufacturers solely. That's because most vendors are either phony baloney and can't stand behind what they sell or they don't trust reviewers to actually review their products.

Today we look at a fella who not only knows he's got the goods but is willing to crack a few eggs to make an omelette as well!

That company is bigdvapor.net. Big D Vapes carries a wide variety of vapes but for today's review we are going to take a look at 3 of their best, starting with one of my favorites

The Vabeen Billow with PEACH ICE CREAM juice!

This chunky little guy has a beautiful two tone color design, air flow control on the bottom of the device

with 18ml of nicotine salt e-juice and a 500mAh rechargeable battery, which will deliver up to 7500 puffs.

With just the right amount of menthol added to the juice to give it a cooling effect, the sweet creamy flavor of peach is strong and delicious, lingering in the mouth long after you puff leading to an extremely satisfying vaping experience. 

I give this disposable an easy 9 out of 10 and for just 15.95 you can make this one yours!

Next we'll take a look at one made right here in the good old USA. The Fifty Bar with Tobaccocino! 

Right off the bat the design here is simple and efficient. We get a basic shape with the added bonus of a nice textured dip where the branding is for grip. is a 6500 Puff Disposable Rechargeable Vape with 16ml of Beard E- Liquid so you know you're getting top quality here

The flavor here was undoubtedly cappuccino I didn't taste much tobaco however this is one I'd highly recommend trying in the morning with your coffee. It's pleasant but very strong so should also last quite a while..I do, however wish there was more tobacco to the flavor profile..still, 8 out of 10 and for

17.95 it's well worth the price tag

Last but certainly not least at all is Livo Touch 6000 with Blueberry Storm juice.

It's a 5000-7500 puff disposable that comes wrapped in a fucking gorgeous faux leather sleeve that gives it more class. This is another model that's proudly made in America.

The flavor here is absolutely wonderful. A blast of blueberry with a secondary touch of blue raspberry that's the closest you'll get to vaping a classic blue raspberry slush puppy. This one comes tied in with the first I reviewed an easy 10 out of 10 but grab one quickly as they are on clearance now for just 12.95!

Overall I give BigD a 10 out of 10. He's friendly, fast and he's a man that comes through with what he offers up!

On a side note many of you (Big D included) will notice I did this review on the blog I share with my friend The B-Movie Avenger instead of my usual home of YouTube. Well YouTube in all it's foolishness has decided to make it so vapers need to lie to their viewers in order to post content. Making us state that vaping is wore than smoking. It's with that fact that I sadly tell you that once my workload is finished I will no longer be doing YouTube and will stick with Mind of The Mad Moose from now on. Fight the man! FUCK THE LIES!

HAUNTING HYMN: A Review Of MEET ME THERE

 

There’s alot of modern film movements I just don’t get as a whole. Mumblecore is one of them. You know what i mean, the anti-acting approach of “everything is blase’, nothing is exciting”? To me it just makes  all the characters seem like they are high on heroin on the verge of nodding off…but just like what happened with found footage for me it was only a matter of time before a film slipped into my field of vision and made me question my initial impression. For mumblecore it took a surreal mumblecore horror film to do that for me. That film was MEET ME THERE.

MEET ME THERE Introduces Ada and Calvin, a young couple with a troubling bedroom issue. Whenever they attempt to make love, Ada becomes angry, disgusted or fearful, seemingly without reason. When a couples councilor suggests that perhaps a repressed memory of childhood abuse may be the cause the couple sets out to the small town where Ada grew up. Upon arriving  they realize things in this town are much stranger than they had thought and that they have much more to worry about than repressed memories because the folks of this town aren’t just quirky and crazy, they’re downright hostile!

At turns funny and endearing, eerie and downright disturbing, Meet Me There is what you’d get if Kevin Smith, David Lynch and Oliver Stone got together over some peyote and re-imagined Deliverance as a couple’s road movie!

The  downplayed acting I typically despise in mumblecore films works wonderfully here, making it all the more bizarre and  shocking when a character does lose their shit. It  also makes our main characters seem as if they are in a dream state, almost as if they’ve been hypnotized, drawn to this small odd ball town by a malevolent force. I believe this was a very deliberate chose made by director Lex Lybrand..

A film like this is only as good as it’s leads and this bad boy has some seriously solid ones. Calvin reminds me of Bo Kiester mixed with Owen Wilson. He has that easy going approachability that just makes you want to be friends with the guy. You want to shoot pool and have a beer with the fella, and best of all I get the feeling that it’s genuine, that not a whole lot of acting was required for the actor to fit the role and he really is that cool of a guy..I may be completely off base and if so then bravo times two. Ada was excellent as well, reminding me alot of a young Winona Ryder both in appearance and approach. she’s the perfect on screen match for Calvin. Where  he is open and a bit clingy she’s secretive (even to herself) and stand offish. She lives in her own dark world. She’s far from a bad person but to afraid to be a truly good one, instead stuck in the purgatory between the two wondering if she’s even a person at all. She’s terrified of losing Calvin because she’s so imperfect and he’s terrified of losing her because he perceives himself as not good enough. This conflict is so real and palatable, so close to home or virtually any real couple that this film cuts much deeper when the terror begins to unfold and lingers much longer than it’s running time should allow..

The other thing that makes this film work so well is that our main characters don’t look like super models. They actually look like real people! Calvin is Pudgy and messily dressed like a real American man! Ada has blemishes and (gasp) even some cellulite! She has real breasts and her clothes are off the rack! These details may seem minor to some but in this reviewer’s humble opinion this was an ingenious move on the part of the casting director, giving an air of believably to an oftentimes stylized surreal film..

Before I finish this review I need to touch on the score. Hyper extended silences and old gospel hymns (one of which this film gets it’s title from) make up it’s entirety and holy fucking shit is it effective! In one scene the daughter of the Minister of a church Ada and Calvin visit breaks into song (The aforementioned title inspiring piece Meet Me There) and this girl’s voice had me awe struck. It’s downright criminal that we don’t have her singing the song in it’s entirety as a special feature! I can’t get enough of it!

Overall I give this film two middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone. It’s incredibly unique and it’s incredible message about how we need to seek redemption not by going back to things we can’t change but by moving forward and embracing what we can and the dangers that coming with pursuing the former is powerful in it’s truth and simplicity. I highly recommend this film. Bravo to SGL for another very solid

 release.

 

 

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: A Review Of THE HOUSE OF LAST THINGS

 

Many of you already know this but for those who don’t I suffered a heart attack not long ago. An abscess tooth caused an infection in my stomach which caused it to stop functioning and the stress on my body put too much strain on my heart. This coupled with the complete loss of the site for several months and having a childhood friend steal a shit load of my screeners (along with attempting to seduce my wife in the process..big fuck you goes out to Fabian Ingraham) Made myself and the rest of the crew here at B-is For Best get very behind. The film we’ll be discussing today is one that sadly spent much longer on my desk then it should have. So a huge apology goes out to Revolver Entertainment whom sent this wonderful film over (along with a handful of others which were stolen by the aforementioned cocksucker.) Without any further ado lets take a look at THE HOUSE OF LAST THINGS

THE HOUSE OF LAST THINGS introduces a young lady named Kelly. Coming from nothing and heading nowhere, Kelly takes a job watching the house of a wealthy music critic named Alan and  his mentally damaged wife Sarah. After they hand her the keys and head off to a much needed vacation in Italy Kelly brings in her developmentally challenged brother Tim and her scum bag con man boyfriend Jesse. Everything seems fine if quite dysfunctional until strange things begin to happen coming to a head when the normally only assholeish Jesse makes a turn for the downright evil when he kidnaps a strange little boy named Adam from the local grocery store. Things only get odder and odder from this point as the lines between the past and present, reality and fantasy shatter around them tossing them into a whirlpool of madness.

An instantly captivating tale of surreal sickness, House of Last Things is a ballsy psychological thriller that sits in the middle between Along Came A Spider and Donnie Darko, taking the bold step of being something new and in this case it pays off big!

The acting here was great all the way around but standing out among the group was the young man who plays Tim. Portraying a developmentally challenged person is a very difficult task.In most cases actors taking on a role like this fail miserably, either over or under playing things and oftentimes create role that are downright offensive. Here we have a light handed approach, a character that comes across as both childlike and frustrated by a world that sees nothing but a little boy where there is clearly a man.

The cinematography here, although digitally shot, took a very cinematic approach, with lingering slow burn pans, smooth milky transitions and a slightly smokey appearance that in conjunction with the gorgeous classical music score, gave the entire thing the feel of an extended dream. You won’t be sure if it’s a dream or a nightmare but one thing is certain, this is not quite the world we live in and the rules of our plane of existence don’t always apply here

You’ll notice that this review is a bit shorter then most of the ones I write here. That’s because to say more would spoil something and I feel you should go in as blind as possible and enjoy this thing for the backwards, upside down ,and sideways rollercoaster that it is. I give it no middle fingers up. I highly recommend you give this 

one a shot.

WHETHER IT’S A DIAMOND OR A TURD EXPECT FUN FROM THESE GUYS! A Double Feature Review Of:BLOOD SLAUGHTER MASSACRE, And MEMORY LANE

 

I love movies. The day I stop loving them is the day I’ll shut this bad bitch down..But I have to say I have to watch alot of….poop. And quite a bit of not even fun poop, just straight up boring incomprehensible dog shit in a hat.  So Companies like Wild Eye Releasing, who continuously shoot over fun, endearing and often thought provoking films are a light at the end of a (Sorry to say it) shit caked tunnel It’s not to say Wild Eye never puts out poop  It’s that even when they DO put out poop…it’s great poop, it’s golden turds!…but enough perineum tickling, let’s take a look at what hose crazy motherfuckers sent us this time around. We’ll start off with a couple of fun slashers, beginning with an awesome 80’s throwback entitled THE BLOOD SLAUGHTER MASSACRE

THE BLOOD SLAUGHTER MASSACRE Opens at a party where a crazed masked man deftly murders the entire party, The killer is nearly caught by Officer James Fincher but wounds him and escapes seemingly never to be seen again..until ten years later a string of murders begin that strangely resemble those of the missing mad man. Is this a second chance to catch this madman..or is the killer (nicknamed The Ripper) just back to lure him out and finish the job?

When I first received word about this film, I have to be honest, I let out a sigh. “Oh fuck, another self aware slasher homage.” I said to myself..I couldn’t have been more wrong on this one. Everything from the slightly off kilter camera work to the everyone is a red herring approach to character development screamed 80’s. This fucker even had it;’s own kick ass hair metal theme song!

The acting here was actually quite good with Officer Fincher shining brightest,, coming across as a mixture of Doctor Loomis from Halloween, and Officer Norris from Child’s Play. His fierce borderline psychotically obsessive dedication to the case makes him a force even more formidable then he Ripper himself!

But a slasher wouldn’t be complete without a masked maniac, does The Ripper Measure up?

With his slow methodically movements, cold approach to death and dedication to death, the ripper (who dons a creepy old man clown mask) fits in nicely with the many slashers of yesteryear. I could easily see this baddy go up against Nelson from Bloody Murder in a Low Budget battle to the final body count.

The cinematography here appears to be genuine honest to god video. It’s more likely that it’s digital with some really cleaver editing techniques but I honestly couldn’t see anything to give it away. It looks just like the Shot On Shitio VHS releases I loved as a kid.

The gore here was heavy handed and cheesy just like the films it so clearly derives from but unlike alot of these homage films it isn’t played for laughs. Everything is done straight faced which makes an enormous difference and makes this “flaw” work in the film’s favor rather than against it. Alot of the kills are also done off screen which is also true to the source material.

I’d be remiss not o say something about the music here. Used sparingly throughout the film we get alot of great cinematic synth reminiscent of the music from Tim Ritter’s movies and of course we get the above mentioned hair metal theme preformed by none other then 80’s crazed director Bradley Creanzo (Director of The Bible Belt Slasher among many others) Brad, is there anything you can’t do you crazy fuck? I’m waiting for your brand of gummy bears to show up next or something

Overall I give this one two middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone. It’s an amazingly on point little slasher that comes across as Blood Cult meets Halloween. If you’re a fan of straight to video slashers YOU NEED THIS FUCKIN’ MOVIE NOW!

The next film we’ll be discussing was one that honestly caught me off guard. I’ve come to associate Wild Eye more with wacky off kilter flicks..Not to say that’s a bad thing at all (I love stuff like that) but this one was..deep..really deep. That film is Shawn Holmes’ MEMORY LANE

MEMORY LANE Introduces Nick Boxer, an orphaned mentally scarred war veteran struggling to adjust to civilian life. Plagued by a war that he never really came home from, Nick feels alone despite a small group of closely nit friends until he meets  the strange but exciting Meg. Tragedy trikes and Nick is torn from him too early. When Nick discovers he is able to go back to a time when she was around when his heart stops he enlists he help of his reluctant friends to stop and restart his heart in the hopes of understanding what happened.

Heart breaking, innovative and packing a punch much harder than  similar films with 50 times the budget ,Memory Lane is a completely engrossing cautionary tale about the cost of pursuing the unpursuable. It asks us “If You knew you couldn’t save the person you loved the most would you still die trying to do so? It comes across as a brilliantly effective mixture of Flatliners and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.

The acting here was excellent with each actor obviously giving it their all. Sticking out the most here, though, was Will.  Having some friends and family myself that suffer from post war P.T.S.D.  I can tell you, his guy is amazing. The shifty eyes, the pale complexion he slight tremor, it’s all here. Even more breathtaking though was the transformation Will takes. First we see an increase in color, a surge of energy and a palatable glimmer of hope in his eyes when he meets Meg. When Meg is taken from him we see his skin become clammy and even paler then before. We see emptiness in his eyes, and it actually appears that he’s lost weight!

The cinematography here was a great example of a cinematographer working with what they have. Though it appears to be low grade digital, the use of colorization o convey mood and the fact that they embrace the shaky camera and make it almost a character in and of itself instead of trying to hide it, made this one pop!

Overall I give this one two middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone. This film actually made me cry. With the amount of films I see every week that’s quite an impressive feat! I hope to see more films like this from Wild Eye and I can’t wait to see what Director Shawn Holmes comes up with next!

CONTAINED: A Review Of SHELTER

 

Being Locked in is a scary situation for anyone. Being an ex-con I understand this more then anyone. Perhaps more then any other species we value our freedom of mobility, our ability to relocate on a whim and even more so, our ability to choose with whom we associate with. What happens when you take 5 strangers who would otherwise never choose one another as permanent companions and trap them in a room with limited supplies? That is the premise of SHELTER.

SHELTER begins when a group of 5 people all from different walks of life (with the exception of one couple) respond to an emergency alarm by heading into the basement of an office building that they’re all visiting for different reasons. They soon realize they are in a bomb shelter and once they go inside one of them panics after seeing a flash on the television and an end of transmission and locks them all inside when th indicator reads toxic levels of radiation on the surface. They think they’ll only be there for a few hours but find out they’re now stuck for several months! Irritation turns to psychosis and what started off as a nuisance becomes a waiting game to see who will snap next!

The trapped in a room scenario is  nothing new. Most films that try it fail miserably due to the constraints that such a limited setting puts on the story. I do believe this is the first one that I’ve seen that takes place in a bomb shelter though and I have to say  this actually works quite nicely. The added  tension of not knowing who survived and who didn’t, not knowing if escape will bring salvation or certain death, all o these factors added depth to what easily could have been a forgettable film if it had merely focused on claustrophobia like so many films like it have.

The acting here was superbly done with a very well rounded group. We have Jef the daunting husband, desperate to save his marriage, a man who has spent his life compartmentalizing things only to be driven mad when it is him who is stuck into a box, and his wife Marisa, too dense and self absorbed to realize she has completely lost her humanity. We also have Chelsea the cold calculating thinker, completely obsessed with her own survival she is willing to do anything to ensure she lives no matter the cost, Tyler (my personal favorite of the group) A hard working family man who’s only desire is to be reunited with his daughter be it in life or death, and Hudson, the charismatic wild card, calm and collected he is the mediator between the rest but also the cause of many of the conflicts as his demeanor is a ruse to fulfill his own hidden agenda. Every good group has a Judas and Hudson is it here. Considering how much this film relies on conflict, this group o mixed nuts (pun highly intended) brings it in tens!

The cinematography here, while pretty basic is effective. We get a low res look that works well considering a large part of the film takes place on what are supposed to be security camera. We do get some pretty interesting off kilter overhead shots that add a surreal quality to the whole affair.

I only have two complaints here. The first is that the non-linear story telling isn’t exactly clear at first which kind of threw me for a loop for a bit. This one is a very small complaint because it’s rectified pretty quickly. My other complaint us a larger one: We don’t get nearly enough Tyler!!! He is the most endearing and identifiable character.He’s the guy we should all be rooting for and for the majority of the film he’s all but forgotten! This is especially sad when you consider that he is likely the best actor in the film! If Hudson is our Judas then Tyler is our christ!

Even with those complaints out of the way this is still a pretty solid piece of cinema and I highly recommend giving it a shot. Overall I give it one middle finger a quarter of th

e way extended.

BETTER THEN IT’S TITLE IMPLIES: A Review of A DARKER FIFTY SHADES: FETISH SET

 

I’m going to start this review off with a confession. I fucking HATE Fifty Shades Of Grey. I think it’s stupid, pretentious and it presents the dangerous concept that a man who gets gratification from sexually and physically abusing and debasing women can somehow be redeemed and made into a good man. It’s bullshit, it sucks and it disgusts me how many women flocked to read/see such a degenerative piece of monkey scum..and trust me if I think that shit is fucked up that should say something. 

I almost completely passed on this film because of the similar title..boy am I fuck’in glad I didn’t! 

Out of respect for this movie, from this moment forward we’re going to simply refer to it by it’s original title, The Fetish Set.

THE FETISH SET Introduces a group of young women all trying to cash in on the rapidly expanding fetish market for their own reasons. The Group meet up at a yearly fetish convention hoping to make some money. Things go sour fast and soon the group finds themselves with a corpse on their hands and a deranged psychopath out for their blood. Some fetishists go too far and this one’s fetish is death!

Holy fucking shit did this one surprise me! First off, this thing has some o the best written dialog I’ve ever seen in a film. It’s funny, it’s off putting when it needs to be and most importantly it flows naturally. Had it not been for the insanely talented cast this thing could have been just another cheap thriller, instead we wind up with one hell of a thrill ride that manages to be at turns hilarious, disturbing and exciting.

The acting here was top notch all the way around, but I have to say “The Wolf” The deranged fetishist steals the show as soon as we meet him. From his nude ballet dancing in the moon light, to his freakishly caved in chest and thing for growling like an animal, this fucker is pure unadulterated evil, he likes to hurt people, he likes to see them squirm and there is no room for redemption, more there is no desire for redemption. This is the darker side of psycho-sexuality and God damn it it’s effective.

The other characters pop as well. We get Mai  the homebody who fulfills mommy fetishists, Reyna the bad ass lesbian, her submissive lover Angle, and Jo the drug addicted thrill seeker. Here’s where most writers fail with stuff like this. The majority of the time when we see characters like this in a film they’re portrayed as a group of friends….Unless you’re making a low brow slasher (which there’s nothing wrong with) that shit just doesn’t fly.. What made this one work is these girls aren’t friends, they’re co-workers, reluctant coworkers at that. It’s made pretty clear from the get go that they don’t really enjoy eachother’s company and that they’re all out for the pay check. That little detail made for some great verbal exchanges and truly believable tension between the characters.

I liked that this thing had the balls to straight up tell the truth. Men who get off on debasing women AREN’T good guys. There’s often a real mental illness involved and sometimes (although rarely) that illness, that obsession with sexual deviancy can take a turn to the darkest possible regions of the human mind, creating monster out of man, that’s a pretty powerful message and writer/director Shane Wheeler delivers it with gusto.

Overall I give this one 2 middle fingers chopped of and sanded to the bone. It’s my favorite Wild Eye Release thus far and the only complaint I have is that there isn’t more of it.  Wheeler is one hell of a director (especially considering this was his first attempt) and We here at B-is For Best can’t wait to see what he c

omes up with next!

ANOTHER DAY OF THE WOMAN?: A Review of HORA (THE WHORE)

 

Remakes, the very uttering of the word gives me visions of a 6 month old cat turd rolled in glass and resealed in a Snickers candy bar wrapper.  I can honestly say I skip most of them. This can be said even more so of the rape revenge sub-genre. Firstly, films of this nature don’t need to be sleek and clean, and they don’t need the latest 20-omething starlet or the fashion world’s most effeminately handsome model as the rapist.

More importantly these films can’t afford the political fascist castration process that anything Hollywood touches must endure. ..However when I discovered that a supposed remake of I Spit On Your Grave from Norway was floating around…that was a different story. If films like The Thrill OF A Kill, Christmas Cruelty,  and Killing Heat have taught me anything it’s that what Norway may lack in a track record of film it more then makes up for with huge blood soaked orgasmicaly politically incorrect balls. Best of all Norway doesn’t hide that fact. FUCK NO it doesn’t just let it’s balls hang, it TEABAGS the censors so hard their eyes smash through their brain and squish on the other side of their collective skull!

It was with this in mind that I sat down to Reinert Kiil‘s hora

hora Introduces a young writer named Rikke who is sick of populated life and starving for inspiration for her new book. She decides a retreat to her dead mother’s secluded cabin in the woods might be just the trick and so heads off to the remote town of Dokka. Soon after arriving a group of local miscreants set their gazes on her. What starts off as mere taunting escalates to a brutal gang rape and disfiguring..but these monsters in men’s clothing have unknowingly unleashed Rikke’s most dark and brutal side an once this demon of justice is channeled there’s no turning back!

Holy fuckin’ shit! It takes a lot to get under my skin. After all this genre in general is one that’s populated with some really really brutal shit, but what we see here makes the rape scene in the original I Spit On Your Grave look like the love scene in Ghost!

Actually, before we go any further with this article I need to point out a HUGE misconception about this movie. While a large portion of this film is a love letter to the I Spit On Your Grave, this is faaar from a remake.  There’s elements and references to everything from A Cruel Picture to Last House On a Dead End Street and even a bit of Walking Tall in here.  Virtually every other review I’ve seen marks this aspect of the film against it. Some reviewers have even gone as far as to call it a rip off…well let’s not mix words. Those reviewers wouldn’t know a cannon from their mothers’ cunts…In other words they don’t know film. Quite a bit of talent is needed to string something like this together and make it comprehensible. Here our director managed to do that and also make a film that has a gut wrenching beauty of it’s own.

The Acting here was very well done all the way around, with Rikke sticking out as the most well played character. Watching her go from the confident sexy independent woman to the fierce merciless angel of death she becomes is nothing short of great.  The only complaint I could put forth if I wanted to be a dick head and nitpick is that I wish there was at least a few positive male characters somewhere in the film to contrast with. Here every guy was a dick..But then again that could be the point considering the era and genre this film is homaging. Exploitation tended to be exaggerated and it tended to be very black and white so if that’s what Kiil was going for then he aced that as well.

The gore here was another point of triumph for this film as it manages to both be effective and retain that cheap off kilter look appropriate for the genre. This was also a point where this film goes one hell of a long mile further then I Spit On Your Grave ever went. I won’t say much..just bring a barf bag.

The cinematography here appeared to be several mid level digital cameras with some gorgeously framed outdoor shots that reminded me quite a bit in their smoothness and eye for detail to William Grefe’s work. We get both golden hued color and slightly chunky black and white, both of which work and give the film an odd feeling of switching back and forth between life and death..however the fake film stock effects came across as gimmicky and almost took me out of the film a few times. This is a small complaint and as a whole didn’t deter me from enjoying the film but I honestly think it would have been better without them.

Overall I give hora no middle fingers up. It’s mean, it’s bloody, it’s offensive and those who dislike it will likely be those who picked it up just to bitch to begin with.

A DYSMORPHIC FILM INDEED: A Review Of DYSMORPHIA

 

Those of you who regularly frequented B-is For Best will remember that as a matter of tradition myself and the B-Movie Crusader (My oldest son) Always watched  The Treasure Chest Of Horrors films together. There’s just something about these cheap, off kilter shit fests that makes them endearing and fun. They remind me of the cheesy horror films my Dad and I used to watch on late night television, so it’s a way of passing down a beloved tradition.  Needless to say we were pretty excited to see that a third installment was included in our box from Wild Eye (this time entitled Dysmorphia rather then keeping with the previous two) Luckily I watched this one myself beforehand.

Let’s start by discussing the wraparound segment for this anthology:

The segment focuses on a brother and sister who locate their dead uncle’s old VHS collection. Bored and curious they ask their Aunt if they can watch them and are told that it’s fine but they should avoid a certain tape. They sit down and watch unaware that they are getting closer and closer to said tape (Nice of their Aunt not to tell them which one it is right?) This portion is my first problem with the film. The two characters could not have been more obnoxious, the dialog (when not rendered virtually inaudible by bad sound equipment) was painful and pointless, and since the key element of which VHS should not be watched was withheld, there was absolutely no point to the warning being given at all! What could have been a simple yet effective wraparound segment instead comes across as an ultra sad, forced rush job that is so close in build up and pay off to Johnny Dickie’s Slaughter Tales that is borders on plagiarism…Thankfully we’re not completely bombarded with these segments and we do get some extremely fun hilarious little ditties here.

Let’s talk about some of my favorites

Doug Waugh’s Knockers (never thought I’d say that sentence and be so excited)  showcases a seemingly unstoppable door to door missionary and the annoyed druggie who’s attempts to rid himself of her are contentiously thwarted to increasingly bizarre and over the top degrees.

This one was the most.. Treasure Chest Of Horrors-esque of the bunch. It’s silly, it’s cheap, but it’s effective. It reminds me of something the polinia  brothers would have put out 20 years ago.  If this was the only short on this anthology it would be getting two middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone.

Another gem here was Shawn Phillip’s I Dare you, which focuses on Shawn and fellow internet personality Brendan Mitchell, who after a dare, decide to lock themselves away in a bathroom for a week with very little food. What happens when two robust reviewers deny themselves the food the love so much..what do you think?

Silly over the top and stupid as fuck (I say that I assure you) this one would have been unwatchable if not for Shawn’s signature overacting and hyper friendly face. Shawn has that grown up 6 year old quality that makes him instantly likable onscreen no matter what he does and it works to a T with this insane little piece.

The last one that sticks out to me  (in a good way) was  Tarra Emerson’s  Fatal Fantasy. This was tells the story of what has to be one of the stupidest wives on the planet. She takes what her husband says completely literally which leads to some ..sticky situations.

I loved this short, it pretty much came across as a psychotic Amelia Bedelia  story. Out of the bunch this was the only one I could picture as a feature length film. A big part of me hopes that idea will be considered someday.

Now that we’ve talked about the good, let’s talk about the two that almost destroyed this thing for me: Shane Ryan’s  So We Killed Our Parents, and The Cousin Bros’ Sane:The Boredom Killings  The first is a college film-esque little piece shot almost frame by frame and with distorted audio about a brother and sister who, after years of sexual abuse and neglect decide to kill their parents and then fuck each other. The second is a found footage style short focusing on two teens who out of boredom begin raping and murdering other teens.

The issue I have with these is the same. Both take on serious issues with complete disregard and both are pointless. There’s no resolve, there’s no moral, they’re just fuck’in mean spirited in general. What makes it worse is these things are sandwiched between such light hearted and fun fair. They stick out like a sore thumb and I’m going to go out a limb here and guess they were likely tossed in last minute to flesh ths whole affair out. Honestly I would have preferred a shorter film.

Overall I give this film one middle finger up. Despite it’s issues there is alot of fun to be had with this one and when all is said and done I still think it’s worth the couple bucks it will

 cost you to snag a copy.

I LOVE THIS GUY!: A Tripple Feature Review Of FRANKENSTEIN’S HUNGRY DEAD, THE SINS OF DRACULA and FUTURE JUSTICE

For those who are regulars here at B-is For Best The name Richard Griffin is likely a name    that will ring bells.From the silly psycho sexual antics of The Disco Exorcist to the wild 80’s gorefest that is Murder University Richard has quickly solidified a spot deep in the heart of genre fans like myself as one hell of a contender, pumping out great flick after great flick at a rate that boggles the mind to say the very least. Richard is a fan first and a director second and it shines through in everything that he does.

Before the devastating crash of the old site I had the pleasure of sitting down to two of his latest features, FRANKENSTEIN’S HUNGRY DEAD and THE SINS OF DRACULA and I’ve anxiously awaited the opportunity to talk your ear off about both of these wild little masterpieces. I had planned on showcasing them as the first batch of reviews when we came back but when word got to me that a third film of his (this one a salute to sci-fi action cheese) was making it’s way to my doorstep I knew I had to wait until I could talk about all three..and boy am I glad I did..But enough of this jibber jabber let’s start off by taking a look at FRANKENSTEIN’S THE HUNGRY DEAD.

FRANKENSTEIN’S HUNGRY DEAD Begins when a group of misfit high school students take a class trip to an odd house of wax. There they meet the sinister owner. After what they see as an exceedingly boring tour the group decides to sneak back in for some exploring. They soon realize they got more then they bargained for when the odd ball owner turns out to be a descendant of the evil Dr.Frankenstein himself, escaped from Nazi Germany and hell bent on continuing his ancestor’s work with them as cannon fodder for his latest experiments!

Holy fuck, first, what can I even begin to say about a film that starts off with wax dummies from everything from Hellraiser to Pirates of the Caribbean? This thing is worth picking up for that alone. But it doesn’t stop there, throw in gags torn right out of everything from The Brain That Wouldn’t Die to Hammer House’s House Of Frankenstein, toss in the most hysterically over the top homo-erotic love scene that will have homo-phobes running for the hills and humorists pissing their pants and you’ve got me fuck’in sold!

Everything from the off kilter dialog to the playful use of colored lighting, to the slightly askew cinematography was perfect to recreate what made the hilariously bad euro-trash adaptions of classic monster movies so addictive. Richard once again manages to poke fun at his source material while maintaining a deep amount of respect and reverence. This is why I keep coming back to this guy. He knows homage/parody, it’s his nature and it shows with leaps and bounds!

The acting here was…special ed for sure..but rightfully so, with each actor managing just the right amount of cheese without going full stupid. Shining brightest here though is Dr.Frankenstein himself who comes across as a mixture of a male Ilsa, Dr.Hackenstein and Dr.Frankenfurter. His mannerisms and facial expressions alone could carry this thing even without the ultra talented group of young people he’s surrounded by.

The gore here was perfectly cheap and hokey, adding a bit of 50’s cheese to the otherwise 70’s sleaze feel of the affair, a wise choice on the part of Richard as anything realer looking would have taken away from the fun.

Overall I give FRANKENSTEIN’S HUNGRY DEAD two middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone. It is a must have for anyone nostalgic for a more innocent age of monster movies. I anxiously await the inevitable special edition VHS release.

Richard managed to take the legend of everyone’s favorite crazed doctor and make it his own..but what about everyone’s favorite undead dirty old man?

THE SINS OF DRACULA introduces Billy, a young Christian teen with a taste for the theater. After joining a local troupe he finds himself surrounded by peers who are engulfed in all types of sinful behavior. Thinking perhaps he can help this group he decides to stay and embrace his new friends with the support of his open minded girlfriend Shannon. But more then mere sinful behavior lies in the darkness of the old community theater. A cult of satanists with an obsession with resurrecting Dracula lie in hiding and they’ve set their sites on corrupting Billy for that very purpose!

Leave it to Richard to set his sites on one of the most obscure sub genres as source material, this time Christian shame flicks. You know the type, they masquerade as Horror or exploitation only to pounce out with a well meaning, often unintentionally hilarious “Moral”; Reefer Madness, sex madness, faster pussy cat kill kill,Satan Hates You, Blood Freak the list goes on and on, and Richard knows his stuff with little touches like grouping a roll playing gamer in with the rest of the “sinners” as if simply rolling a die could land one in the fiery pits of hell. As a former gamer and semi-christian with a sense of humor this little gag really tickled my funny bone as I’ve encounter bible thumpers who do indeed feel this way.

The acting here was surprisingly great, with the young man who played Billy stealing every scene he’s in with his fresh faced innocence. He conveys a very genuine naivety and curiosity that had me completely convinced that what I was witnessing was not acting but a real corruption attempt. That’s not to say that the rest of the cast was small potatoes, quite the contrary each and every actor and actress brought their own pizzazz to the table making what could have been just another parody an honest to God great movie. Dracula was also wonderful here, rather then going for channeling Bella Lugosi or any other incarnation from the past we get an all new, very unique take on the ancient demon, this one a strong silent type, oozing power and sexuality. I feel blasphemous saying this but he just may be my favorite Dracula in a film thus far.

The gore here was few and far in between, mostly reserved for the final act, but this worked out excellently, making it all the more effective for the dramatic (and hilarious) reveal. Here we see some effects that are a bit more graphic and believable. Richard knows when to go full cheese and when to let the sight gag do the work and let the blood flow true. Once again he made the right choice with this one.

The cinematography here was mid-level digital film but with a real film feel not born from cheap overlay effects like most directors today go for, instead we get old school camera angles, framing and transitions..Filmmakers take note, if you want the feel of your film to gesture to yesteryear this is the way to go about things!

Overall I give THE SINS OF DRACULA Two Middle Fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone, as someone who has seen less then a handful of satisfying vampire films in the last 5 years I can’t recommend this one enough. It’s a rare gem that works both as a comedy and a genuinely great Horror film.

The last film we’ll be discussing today falls into a genre that has sadly been neglected for the last two decades; The  sc-fi/action/thriller! Who better then Richard to take on this dying staple then the king of niche market revival, Richard Griffin!?

FUTURE JUSTICE opens with a group of military police escorting notoriously violent freedom fighter Python Diamond from Saturn’s moon Titan to Earth to be tried and executed. Upon arrival the group soon realizes the Earth has been raped almost to complete destruction by nuclear war and the few survivors are a group of raving psychopaths. The group is attacked and forced under ground, forced to rely on their sworn enemy to stay alive. This is the least of their worries as both sides of the battle find themselves in a fight for survival against a seemingly unstoppable mutant evil!

I have to admit I was very pleasantly surprised by this little gem. I went into this thinking I’ find the typical so bad it’s good cheese fest Richard has become famous for..and don’t get me wrong that’s far from an insult. I dig the fuck out of all of Richard’s work for that very reason. But here I was genuinely shocked to find not a so bad it’s good film, but a legitimately great film pure and simple!

The acting here was out of this world with each actor taking their roles completely serious and straight faced all the while showcasing the over the top shlocky dialog and attitudes that made this genre so great in the first place. My favorite character though was that of Python himself who comes across as a mixture of Snake Plissken, Meets Hell from Hell Comes To Frog Town,meets Kung Fury. He manages to come across as larger then life and almost comically tough all while looking like an average Joe instead of the grown in a lab freakishly  muscular hero we’re used to today. This was a breath of fresh air as was the little  touches like the patchy facial hair added to the believability of him being an ex con who spent an extended period in prison. Little touches like this made this thing really work fro me.

Everything from the thrifty make do approach to the props and background to the film overlay effect lasers, to the 80’s synth style music and makeup effects managed to be dead on for these types of films from the 80’s an 90’s!

The cinematography here was low res digital but great care was obviously taken to give the whole affair a wonderfully dated analog effect that had me believing I was watching an old warped VHS fro a Mom and Pop video store. Some may mistake this and complain about it but I found myself feeling like a kid again. Griffin once again succeeded and creating a film that acts like a time machine and bring me back to my youth. Something I’ve grown to expect from this wonderful fella!

Speaking of family, another awesome aspect of this one is it featured very little that was questionable and I was able to share it with my kids, something I almost never get to do with the films I receive.

Overall I give this film two middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone. It’s the best film from Richard thus far and I’m praying the inevitable VHS release will happen immediately! I only ho

pe more from this guy will show up on my doorstep soon.

CHEESE MACHINE!: A Review Of SCREAM MACHINE

 

It’s no secret, I’m a fan of what I affectionately call shit cinema.  We’ve covered all the A-listers (or perhaps that would be B-listers) here at B-is for Best; Tim Ritter, Brad Sykes, Lloyd Kaufman, the list goes on and On. Somehow,,though we managed to completely overlook one of my favorites ,Walter Ruether, or as most would know him, Scarlet Fry. For those who don’t know, Scarlet’s bag is making shot on shit-e-o anthology flicks like Horror-o-rama, Junkfood Horrorfest, Nightmare Alley and Death By VHS.  Now I won’t mix word I fucking hated Death By VHS, so I was really looking forward to the film we’ll be discussing today, Scream Machine. I saw it as a way for Fry to win me over again and remind me why I liked his brand of off brand dollar stoe horror to begin with.

SCREAM MACHINE Introduces Dr.fry and Dr.Graves, two survivors of a mass ebola breakout that wiped out most of the Earth’s population. They are recording a final broadcast for any other survivors. Do they have some great revelation to share? FUCK NO! They’re here to showcase shitty horror shorts that Lloyd Kaufman let for them!

Holy fuck is this thing funny. First o Scarlet wears this oversized plague mask that looks cardboard that in conjunction with a carnival prize top hat makes him look like one of the spies from Spy Vs Spy and he talks like Bela Lugosi with a mouthful of pickle relish mixed with Borat! I almost shit my pants I laughed so hard! His co-host, Dr Graves is a talking head with an eyepatch that looks like he’s covered in spaghetti-o sauce and constantly talks shit to him in a voice that sounds like Archie Bunker if Archie had stayed up all night smoking Meth and eating pop rocks!  This shit is spot on, just like the stupid late night horror hosts I loved so much a kid and it really worked well as a wraparound segment.

Along with this we get five short films. Unfortunately I don’t have the time or space to talk about all off them so We’ll focus on the two I loved the most. SLEDGEHAMMER and CANNIBAL PEN PALS:THE DAHMER OBSESSION

SLEDGEHAMMER focuses on a young Baseball player who wants to be in the big leagues. While practicing he accidentally kills the catcher with a fast ball quick enough to embed in the fella’s face and into his brain. Despite this he still makes it until one day someone from his past shows up to settle the score.

The things about SLEDGEHAMMER I dug the most were the same things that most reviewers I’ve seen talk about this thing bitch about. The miscasting and the bad special effects. Our “young” player has to be at least mid-forties and the fact that they keep calling him kid just adds to the overall absurd and hilarious nature of this short. The effects are also hysterical, I mean when the guy gets his eye knocked out it’s as big as a superball, the ball is clearly too big to have fit through the still intact grill of the catchers maskl and there’s a head crushing scene that rivals Troma in it’s thriftiness by skipping the Mellon and wig and going straight to the hamburger! THIS SHIT IS GOLD!

CANNIBAL PEN PALS:THE DAHMER OBSESSION  focuses on a closted homosexual who’s pen pal Jeffery Dahmer is his only confidant.

This one had me busting a gut because of how obvious the closted homosexual character was. I mean this motherfucker might as well have sung all his lines through a purple sequenced microphone while waving a rainbow flag..(Scarlet if you’re reading this GET THAT ACTOR TO DO THIS AND RECORD IT, YOU’D BE A GOD!) This kind of over the top camera hamming is signature to the video boom era I grew up loving so much and is a little touch this reviewer really appreciated.

The cinematography here  appears to be honest to Betsy genuine video, none of that fancy digital stuff here. I know many reviewers are shaking their head at how “cheap” this looks but  Format junkies like myself who understand  the headache of converting this format will know this must have been a conscious decision, not a way to cut corners and I think they’ll appreciate it for what it is.

The music was also 80’s/90’s-esque, performed on what I’m guessing was an old school keyboard, it has a tinny synth quality that reminded me alot of the music from Cannibal Campout.

Overall I really dug this flick. Those who are looking for the next V/H/S should look elsewhere but cjeeseheads  who love Scarlet’s earlier work will love this one. Overall I give it no middle fingers up.

Grab yourself a copy here: http://www.amazon.com/Scream-Machine-Tara-Carlton/dp/B00YAZND50/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1443667347&sr=1-1&keywords=scream+machine

 

CURSE OF THE KILLER CRACKER: A Review Of KRACKER JACK’D

 

I love a bargain. Besides the fact that I genuinely love bad cheesy movies, I’ve seen alot of oddball shit because I found it at my local Walmart in the dollar bin or while working FYE and couldn’t pass up such a cheap DVD. Not long ago, while re-sorting our used bins for the one hundred billionth time on a slow day I stumbled upon a film I had never heard of with one of the most hysterically bad covers I have ever seen (and trust me that’s saying something.) It featured a fat guy in an extra s-medium shirt with a tool belt full o weapons wearing a hockey mask, sunglasses and..troll hair (I’m not sure why..maybe the cover art designer was really drunk) and holding an obviously fake dollar store chainsaw from a kids’ Halloween costume. In the background we get some of the most over the top stereotypical black folks ever to live screaming in terror. Quickly flipping this bad boy over I read the synopsis and realized I was holding a blaxploitation horror/comedy. I pulled out my two bucks quicker then Eddie Murphy on 2 dollar transsexual Tuesday and officially became the proud owner of KRACKER JACK’D

When My shift ended I ran home and for shits and giggles I IMDB’d the title. Every review I found was bad. Some complained about the annoying characters, some even went as far as to claim it perpetuated racial stereotypes but all agreed on one thing, this movie was shit. I threw it in the trash and whined about wasting two dollars The End…YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! I was more excited then ever to watch this thing!

KRACKER JACK’D opens with Playa, Bling Bling, Spliff and Carlton, four college homies preparing preparing to throw the best party ever at their new place. While handing out flyers they’re approached by the campus Wigga, Kracker Jack. All Jack wants is an invite so he can get some chocolate strange but when he drops the N-bomb one to many times a thorough ass whopping is delivered. The group leaves him beaten and knocked out and continue setting up for the party. Everything is going to plan with bud, booze and broads for everyone until and uninvited party guest shows up and bodies are soon added to the aforementioned B’s!

I didn’t expect much from this movie and I have to say I was delightfully surprised. It’s ridiculously stupid, yes but I think previous reviewers miss the point here. This is an over the top exhibition of accepted stereotypes exaggerated to a comical degree…IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE STUPID!

The acting here is more hammy then Porky Pig butt fucking Petunia on a pile of pork chops. Kracker Jack himself has to be the most ludicrous with his rolled pant leg, too large sunglasses and need to shout everything he says with an urban accent thicker then Janet Reno’s nut sack. This fella had me in stitches. He’s what would happen if Big B, Everlast and Marky mark got tossed into a blender with Copper Cab and some crunk juice and whatever emerged was smacked in the head with a bat, handed a blunt and told to audition for Jamie Kennedy’s role in Malibu’s Most Wanted! Bling Bling was another favorite of mine with his need to express everything he says with some of the worst rapping since K-Fed and seemingly genuine confusion to the most basic things imaginable.

Playa was actually played rather straight faced, coming across as a mostly normal stand up type dude but his thing for breaking into song? Holy shit, man that cracked me up. Let’s be honest. We all have that one friend who’s going to be the next Usher. You know ,the dude who looks you dead in the eye and tells you his mamma says he sings like an angel, sings something about some random off the head shit in a voice that sounds like Susan Ball getting raped by baboons then says “that there is gonna go platinum!”? Yeah that’s our boy Plays.

The kills here are cheesy and over the top to a cartoonish degree. I mean one dude gets his throat cut while waiting for a chick to come back with a pack of smokes and then spends a a good three minutes going “Oh Lawd! Over a pack of cigarettes! This bitch! Oh Lawd” Then tries to smoke with a cut throat spurting blood when she comes back with the smokes! Another guy smokes a blunt while being chocked and manages to stay alive for an hour just to die at 4:20! This shit isn’t bad movie gold it’s fucking shit diamonds man!

The visual gags a re abundant and hysterical. My favorite is when Playa and a chick he hooks up with at the party are running back to the house from the Jacuzzi to warn everyone that there is a killer on the loose and the run lasts for at least to minutes and Playa is so Ashy from the tub water that he’s literally covered in white powder and is leaving a mile long tail of huge piles of it behind him! Once again, shit diamonds! Toss in a a surprise twist coupled with an ending that’s completely nonsensical and you’ve got yourself one hell of a fun flick!What I liked about this one was, yeah it’s dumb, it’s over the top, it’s sophomoric and crude (there’s even a necrophiliac fellatio resurrection scene..why the fuck aren’t you watching this RIGHT NOW!!!?) but it also has a fair level of innocence about it. It never comes across as mean spirited or harmful. It’s silly in the same way that Race War:The Remake was. You can tell the cast and crew had alot of fun with it and that fun really shines through in this reviewer’s opinion.

I honestly feel like the assholes on IMDB who talked shit about this one saw it just so they could complain. I mean come on ya’ll! You picked up a movie called Kracker Jack’d with a cover like that and expected it not to be stupid? That’s like picking up a copy of Shaving Ryan’s Privates and complaining about the lack of pussy shots! What The Fuck!

Personally I fucking loved this shit and I can’t wait to see more from Chad Hendricks. I give this one 2 middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone. If you like bad modern blaxploitation in the spirit of Holla if You Hear Me Kill You, t

hen you’ll love it too.