17 BUCKS IN THE BANK, AND ENDLESS SHOWERS: An interview with the Inspiring (and suprisingly nice) Eamon Hardiman( director of Catholic Ghoul Girls, The Porkchop Trilogy, Zombie babies, Vampire Whores From Outerspace and the upcoming The Crawling Dead)

 

The first question i wanted to ask is one that a lot of my readers and friends that have seen the porkchop films and the zombie babys film ask and that is Eamon Hardiman your real name? and if so what ethnic background does the name originate with? if not where did the name come from?

Yep, that’s my real name. It’s Irish and fairly common in other parts of the world but a constant source of . It’s pronounced “Ay-muhn.”

lol now that that completely random question is out of the way let’s get down to some film questions.

A lot of people have pointed out that while porkchops and the sequels are cool and entertaining films they tend to have quite a few off screen kills and filler, how do you feel about this view and is it an issue you plan to work on in future projects?

Well, it’s tough when your shooting schedule is so short. We shoot most of these movies in under 10 days and are usually working around schedules with a very tiny budget and loads of FX bits planned that wind up having to be tossed out because it’s just not feasible. One person showing up two hours late or one person not getting things ready in time for a scene can mean “Oh shit, I guess we’ll have to cut that out.” Some stuff, however, I think it’s just more fun to have it left up to your imagination. I like gore but I wouldn’t call myself a gore-hound by any means.

what inspired you to make films and when did you start?

I remember my dad filming us with a Super 8 camera when I was a kid (not in a creepy Butterfly Effect way) and he would project the movies for the whole family and I always got a kick out of that. After he eventually tossed it aside, I fished it out of a file cabinet and played around with it…but just as a toy to torture GI Joes with. Later on, I messed around with his VHS camcorder and filmed little stop-motion things with Star Wars figures. Then one day I decided to make a short film with some friends. We borrowed someone’s little brother’s camcorder and started scripting out scenes. That was I dunno…high school I guess.

who would you say were you biggest influences?

Landis, Raimi, Kubrick. Anyone who ever directed an 80s comedy movie.

What is your favorite horror film of all time and why?

This varies but I guess at the moment it would be Idle Hands. I really appreciate the Argento homages in the use of color, it has a wildly unique cast (at least for the time), and it mixed comedy and horror (with an emphasis on the former) in a pretty great way. First DVD I ever purchased. I even own a 35mm film print of the trailer.

Now that remakes are all the hype, would you allow somone like say, michael bay to remake the porkchop films? why or why not?

Yes, absolutely. I’m poor as hell and need to sell out as soon as possible. My car barely works, we live in a dirty apartment with junky second-hand furniture in the #1 unhappiest, unhealthiest city in America….I’d love to be able to not live in squalor. I’d like to have more than $17 in the bank at any given time.  And anytime there’s a remake it makes the original film gain some kind of mystique. It would make them seem like some kind of lost masterpieces. I don’t think anything else would do that. Oh wait, sorry, I mean “Hell no! Remakes suck!”

In Porkchops there is a scene in which a teacher discusses the porkchop legend with his class but rather then hear the dialog we get music and an 80’sesque montague-like scene…was this a homage to random pointless 80’s montages or was it an issue with sound or something else altogether?

No, that part was planned out from the beginning. We wanted to occasionally just throw some insane moments in the film. That was one of them.

There’s quite a bit of humor to your films, how do you feel about darker more sinister horror films like Saw or Hostile?

I’m not a huge fan of the Saw movies. I really enjoyed the first one. I do like the Hostel flicks quite a bit, but those have a LOT of dark comedy. I watch every type of horror and I like a lot of it….I don’t know. I guess comedy has always appealed more to me as a writer. I don’t know if I could ever scare anyone but I feel confident that I can make them laugh at least once in a movie.

Does your company ever buy scripts from outside sources are you strictly within the company for things like that?

No, I pretty much write it all. We’ve tried to do other scripts in the past but our actors/crew never really gravitated towards them. I’m not sure why they want to do mine.

A lot of people point out that porkchops is very much like a remake to the first film (almost a second try) rather then a true sequel..would you say theres any truth to that statement?

Yes, we tried to make both Porkchops/Porkchop II: Rise of the Rind and Porkchop 3D their own stand-alone films, kind of like Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness. That’s why we originally titled it Porkchops instead of Porkchop II. But then the distribution company titled it Porkchop II and we just looked like assholes.

Where were the porkchop films actually shot?

Porkchop 1 was shot in White Sulphur Springs, WV and a bunch of other locations. 2 was in Charleston, WV and White Sulphur Springs. 3 was shot in Charleston and Fayetteville.

I’ve noticed alot of trouble with sound with your films which can be a deterent. what causes these issues and are you working to fix them?

We had a lot of sound issues on Zombie Babies due to a noisy filming location full of passing logging trucks every fifteen minutes, an inability to get the actors in to do ADR due to lack of funds, and a really bad dialogue track. Basically, the person overseeing the audio didn’t have his boom ops get in close enough to the actors with the boom mic and turned up their mixer to compensate for the low volume, creating ridiculous amounts of noise. Now we make sure to get as close as possible to the actor and don’t use a mixer. Sometimes when you’re out in a lot of outdoor locations, there’s just nothing you can do. The world’s a noisy place, you’ve just gotta go with it and hope the audience doesn’t get hung up on technical details and enjoys the ride.

Where do you get your ideas?

Lots of conversations with friends, lots of movie-watching, lots of showers. If I’m writing or editing I will take like seven showers a day. Each one usually yields the solution to a problem or some new idea that seems like a good idea at the time.

Will we ever see a prequel to Porkchop actually showing him killing and eating his parents and the slaughter that ensues at the camp after he escapes?

If someone wants to fund it and I can find the right child actor.

 if porkchop is so adamant about his love for pigs then where did he get the stitched together pigface he wears as a mask?

Well he saw his pet pig murdered in front of him by the person he trusted and looked up to and that kind of shit can warp the hell out of you. I think Porkchop is a mess of different feelings, slathered in rage. You can see a bit of those emotions in Porkchop 3D.

I’ve seen Porkchop 3d but honestly not all the way through because the film doesn’t work well with non-3D tv’s and alot of s fans want to know, if and when there will be a non-3D version of the film?

Yes. When? I have no idea.

 What was the worst horror film you’ve ever seen and why?\

I honestly couldn’t tell you. Even a bad horror film is entertaining…if only because it’s so bad.

 Would you ever consider teaming up with a larger independent company like Troma Team Video so you could get a slightly larger budget and larger distribution?

Troma picked up the overseas rights to Porkchop 1 and 2 but I don’t know when that’s going to happen. I’d make an original film for one of those companies in a heart-beat.

How did you feel about the review i did on your porkchop films?

No offense but bad reviews or good reviews, I’ve stopped reading them. If it’s on Youtube or something, I will usually wind up seeing it….but if it’s bad it just makes me angry or sad and that really isn’t going to do anyone any good. I guess a review is meant to either praise someone for doing something great, something exceptional or damning them for making something that person did not enjoy. I’m not sure low-budget independent cinema needs that. I’m not sure filmmakers need to be discouraged. I think that if a micro-cinema flick is great, there should be praise, sure. But if it’s bad? Of course it’s bad, it’s micro-cinema! There’s no budget, no time, usually no professional crew. How many Hollywood movies are good? Not many. And they have budgets, time, and professionals behind the wheel. It’s rare you see a fantastic, almost perfect Hollywood film. It’s a fucking MIRACLE when you see a micro-budget one. So we should praise those folks and encourage others but never talk shit, never tear down. It’s not going to accomplish anything except hurting someone’s feelings.

would you be intrested in submitting any other films to be reviewed by the site?

Sure, we’ll send along a copy of The Crawling Dead when it’s done.

 What projects can we look forward to in the future from you and your company.

We’re working on post-production for The Crawling Dead right now and that should be out in Late May or early June. That one’s going to be a free web-series. We’re also trying to get funding for a free web series called pig girls

For more info on razor sharp studios and their work go to http://razorsharpstudioswv.com

 

TITTIES AND COOKIES! A review for DIE YOU ZOMBIE BASTARDS!!!!

 

Zombie films are coming out literally daily at this point, and not the good kind either, it seems as if every asshole with a camera, some squibs, hamburger meat and red kyro syrup thinks he's the next George A.  Romero, the problem is it's all been done zombies have gone to the hood, to space, to special school, they've crossed with vampires, become mutants, they've even been  the hero. 

I had completely given up on a really great zombie film coming out...and still have really. Die You Zombie Bastards is not a great zombie movie.... what it is is complete and utter nonsense...AND IT'S FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!

Not since Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead came out have I been this in love with a film. I did not stop laughing from the nearly unintelligible intro by Hasal Atkens to the  end credits.

DIE YOU ZOMBIE BASTARDS!!!! tells the story of Red Tool and his wife Violet, an average and very in love couple, besides  one thing...Red and Violet are cannibalistic serial killers and they're the good guys! 

The bad guy is one Voklauf mummyhead von  Nefarious  the third. Nefarious ( who  looks like the lovechild of skeltor, Michael Jackson and the wicked witch) kidnaps three explorers from hell island transforming them into (hilarious green skinned bug eyed purple haired and nippled) zombies with his zombitron and then proceeds to do the same to several other people trying to create his own army and eventually zombifiy the world. Nefarious and Red cross paths when Nefarious spots the couple  on a couples game show and falls deeply in love with violet, kidnapping her and leaving his zombie henchmen to kill Red, but Red doesn't go down that easy, with the addition of a red jumpsuit, yellow booties, a due rag, a cape made of human flesh and briefs with a severed human penis Red transforms himself into Redman and goes on an epic quest to get his wife back.

This film is by far the most fun movie I've seen in ten years, I hesitate to discuss any specific scenes in detail because i want  others to see this the way i did, unprepared and skeptical. but one thing i will say is this, every character from Red and his wife to the police, to the pizza shop owners red visits in his quest are all absolutely insane, i think that's what makes this film so great you can't get a handle on  it. It goes all over the place and relishes in it's own stupidity and randomness and yet isn't pretentious and annoying like today's comedies are ,it has an air of innocence to it  that brings to mind a three year old accidentally saying something ridiculous and invoking laughter without knowing why. 

It's unassuming nature is refreshing  and it's originality is a god-send in our world of endless remakes and unneeded sequels. 

Another great surprise this film came with is the recipe or one of the most surprisingly tasty pizzas i've ever made.

 In the pizza parlor scene i mentioned earlier Red orders  what sounds like a very bizarre pizza " burger, sausage,onion, cranberry, feta,feta feta!" granted when i made  the pizza i tweaked it a bit to make it what  i consider a "real" pizza adding sauce and mozzarella but the outcome was amazing,  so good in fact that I've decided to share the recipe with this review. for those interested here's  how you make DIE YOU ZOMBIE PIZZA!!! 

you'll need a pizza crust (i used digorno because i was lazy and they're good) a  jar  or can of pizza sauce, half a pound of hamburger 6 large breakfast sausage patties, a pound of mozzarella, a medium sweet onion, half a pound of crumbled feta, and 2 cups of dried cranberries. 

cook the hamburger and breakfast sausage.

Preheat the oven a 400 degrees,

 cut the sausage into small pieces, put one third of the feta on the pizza crust, 

lightly apply desired amount of sauce on top of the feta, add one quarter pound of hamburger, and half the cranberries on top of the sauce, then add  mozzarella,

 mince the onion and evenly distribute on top of that add remainder of hamburger, sausage, feta and cranberries and slide into oven.

 cook for 20 minutes or until crust is brown and all the cheese is melted and serve with a  green drink.

Die You Zombie Bastards is a platinum boat in a sea of shit, my. so good that no middle fingers up isn't a good enough rating  i give it two amputated stubs. i hope this isn' the last we've seen from Zombastic.

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS REVIEW PLEASE SUPPORT ME BY JOINING  MY BLOG  AND PLEASE  SUPPORT TRULY INDEPENDENT CINEMA AND RESIST THE HOLLYWOOD THOUGHT DESTROYERS

PROMETHEUS IN PINK:A Review Of THE TOXIC AVENGER

 

The Toxic Avenger is my favorite film of all time bar none. No other film even comes close. I’ve seen it hundreds of times and showed it to everyone I’ve gotten the chance to. It’s why I call myself the B-movie Avenger and was a huge influence in making me feel so passionately about the often genre defying off kilter culture that is true independent filmmaking..but it’s also a film i have never reviewed here on B-is For Best. I’ve been asked  many times why this is (including once by Melvin himself Mark Torgl, who’s a great guy by the way.) and I always give different reason.  I’ve said I was waiting for the Blu ray release (which has long since happened) I said i was waiting until I had the free time to do an article that would showcase all the films collectively and couldn’t do so yet since the 5th (and supposedly final) installment had yet to be made (This is a complete lie considering although i enjoyed all four films I see the 2nd and 3rd as self parodying and existing in a separate universe and feel pretty much the same way about the 4th) The truth of the matter is..honestly I’ve been afraid to do it. How does one go about doing a review article on a film that he holds in an almost religious reverence? (especially since the film’s many flaws are one of the reasons why i consider it to be the best film of all time) and do it any justice? I had planned on saving this review for my upcoming autobiography (D-Is For Drew:The Now told Tale Of A Renegade Film Reviewer) But I know if I wait I’ll never have the nerve..so for those who waited and asked..here it is..

Alot was happening in the early to mid 80’s. Aerobics gurus and muscle bound action stars had pushed America into the body talk age where Health clubs had sprouted up on every corner. Workout shows, tapes and even movies flooded the market as the young pushed their bodies (and hair of course) to the limit and beyond. Cocaine, speed and other uppers  took the throne from marijuana and psychedelics as the drugs of choice for this constantly moving crowd. Big business was also on the fast track as more and more factories and refineries emerged. With them though came countless biproducts: corrosive, cancerigenic and toxic, these emerging evils captured the fears and imaginations of the thinkers of the era, terrifying them almost as much as the increasingly violent youth, so different from the flower children of the ’60s and disco ducks of the 70’s. The heroes of yesteryear were washed up, their golden boy boyscout approach to fighting evil had become laughable when compared to the endless supply of evil figures the 80’s was churning out, from Jason to Freddy to Karl The Butcher and Cropsy. The 80’s needed it’s own hero; one as brutal and real as the evil he would fight and destroy, In 1984 That hero emerged. His name is Melvin Ferd but you’ll know him as THE TOXIC AVENGER!

THE TOXIC AVENGER: Welcomes us to Tromaville (The Toxic waste dumping capital of the world) A small town in suburban New Jersey. At first glance Tromaville is just like any other small town in the U.S. but under the surface is the pestilence of political corruption. It’s Mayor (a morbidly obese self obsessed pervert) has sold the town out to corporate ghouls who are dropping hundreds of pounds of toxic waste within it’s borders. He has also hired on vicious thugs and drug dealers to shake down the population and control the simple citizens. In the busier side of town is the Tromaville Health club, a place where  it’s inhabitants go to get in shape and socialize. This too is plagued  by a despicable group of thugs: Bozo, Slug, Julie and Wanda, a sadistic group of teens who spend their days terrorizing the club’s members and their nights playing a deplorable points game by running over innocent victims with their car. When the group sets their sites on on local 15 year old Uber nerd Melvin Ferd (The mop boy) for one of their more cruel pranks poor Melvin winds up falling into an (inexplicably open) barrel of toxic waste on the back of an illegally parked truck. What emerges (after an extremely painful transformation) is a 7 foot tall hideously deformed creature of super human size and strength (in a burnt tutu..trust me it’s bad ass) with the ability to sense evil and the uncontrollable urge to destroy it. Tromaville wreaked of crime and The Toxic Avenger was just the Janitor to clean it up!

Genre defying, perfectly paced, managing to be simultaneously completely filthy and utterly innocent, The Toxic Avenger is quite possibly the most multi-faceted and enjoyable filmof all time..Even hardcore fans of the film are likely gape mouthed at that statement (and Uncle Lloyd probably just shit his pants laughing)…Let me explain why it’s an undeniable fact. Let’s talk about the many things this film manages to successfully be:

IT’S AN 80’S PERIOD PIECE: Yeah, I know, naysayers “the film was shot in the 80’s of course it captures the 80’s!” This goes well beyond that copout reasoning. From the way it’s many themes (aerobics, Violent youth, political corruption,drug abuse and pollution to name a few) perfectly capture the fears and values of the era, to the use of power ballads, jam band music and bubble gum pop in it’s score and the cartoonish over the top gore and characters, The Toxic Avenger doesn’t just conjure nostalgia for the 80’s IT IS THE 80’S!!!

IT’S A COMEDY: Yes, you read that correctly. A film featuring an 11 year old kid getting his head crushed by the tire of a car is a comedy.

From the not so subtle choice of taking the heroes in tights concepts to laughable extremes by placing Toxie in a full blown Tutu, to having Toxie’s kills often based on classic gags from Charlie Chaplin (mop twirling) and The Three Stooges (eye gouging, mops in the face etc.) and of course the endless barag of so stupid they’re funny one liners (Including the often stolen “Have you seen my mother in law..Now that’s gruesome” line) The Toxic Avenger undeniably works as a stellar comedy as well as a parody of the hyper violent direction Hollywood was taking at the time the film was made.

IT’S A MODERN DAY FRANKENSTEIN STORY: This was confirmed by Co-Director Lloyd Kaufman in his first book (All I Needed to Know About Film Making I learned From The Toxic Avenger) but most fans pick up on it right away. You have a tragic monster, The (in this case initially) fearful townsfolk, The child-like nature of Poor Melvin and of course the blind friend (only in this case case it’s a super hot blonde who’s Toxie’s love interest, Sarah) The biggest difference here is the monster lives and triumphs, something the majority of fans of Marry Shelly’s classic wished happened all along.

IT’S A HORROR FILM: With the approach to some of Melvin’s kills s well as the creative use of lighting, location, and cutaways, The Toxic Avenger is a brilliant patchwork of styles ranging from 70’s slasher/Giallo to 50’s style monster movie influences. More than any other film in Troma’s library The Toxic Avenger shows Directors Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz’s wide array of interest and study into the Horror Genre and what works within it…a feat all the more impressive when you note that  Kaufman stated neither of them were really Horror fans before they began working on the project! Quite a bit of Homework must have been done in such a small span of time.

IT’S THE MOST HUMAN SUPER HERO MOVIE EVER MADE: While other heroes  tend to take the haughty better than thou approach to crime fighting, poor Melvin is forced to do it. He’s terrified  of his ability and doubts the morality of his actions. He still needs the approval of his peers and fears he’ll never have it. All of these things make Toxie more approachable, more lovable and most importantly MORE HUMAN. It’s also why despite all the  gore, sophomoric humor and nudity in the film I’m more comfortable letting my kids watch The Toxic Avenger then I am the Newest Batman movie or Disney shitfest. This film has some of the firmest lines between good and evil ever set in film.

IT’S AN ACTION FILM: With car chases, crashes, gang fights, and even a fleet of army  personnel with tanks (how the fuck did that afford that…?) The Toxic Avenger also functions as one hell of an Action movie!

IT’S A LOVE STORY: Amongst the violence and madness in this film we get the tender, innocent blossoming love between Toxie and his beautiful blind girlfriend Sarah. Her Naive and child-like personality perfectly mirrors the true Melvin inside the hideous monster and their love works wonderfully to illustrate that under it all Melvin is still the shy, self conscious gentle teenager he always was. We also see his character mature into a more confident, heroic figure through his love for Sarah..Just try not to think about the fact that despite his dramatic size increase Melvin is still 15 years old and Sarah looks to be around 25..For these reasons the film is also A COMING OF AGE STORY..and a SEDUCTION OF THE YOUTH TALE

The acting here is so laughably off that it’s brilliant. Each character is so garish and over the top the entire affair comes across as a live action cartoon. This has a major benefit though as it softens the effect of some of the more potentially offensive subject matter and makes it more palatable. Toxie himself was actually played quite brilliantly when one considers the level of depth of a character that needs to be at turns a completely ruthless killing machine and a shy naive kid..All done in heavy makeup with a voice over added in post..rule or not I gotta name Mitch Cohen here. You were fucking brilliant and were sadly missed in parts 2-4..Please for the love of God come back for part 5 we need you man!

The cinematography and special effects here were..uneven..Ranging from breathtakingly believable (the badass car crashes,head crushing, and health club basement chase scene) to terrifically terrible (The day for night to night to day for night again fight scene with cigar face and his crew, the scalped to not scalped Knuckles) but even these fuck ups only add to the insanely bizarre world Kaufman and Herz have created in their opus..and the transformation scene..Holy fuck man!

Is The Toxic Avenger perfect? No, but if it were it wouldn’t be nearly as endearing as it is.

Overall I give The Toxic Avenger two middle fingers chopped off and sanded to the bone. It’s the only film I watch at least once a year and that’s a tradition I will never tire of. Kaufman and Herz should seriously consider doing whatever it takes to reassemble the original cast (those whose characters didn’t die) for the 5th and final installment of the franchise and for the love of God get Herz. We fans deserve at least one more visit from our favorite hidiously deformed creature of super human size and strength and we want to see him played by Mitch Cohen no matter what shape he’s in these days!

KARLOFF WOULD BE PROUD: A look at Neca's Ultimate Frankenstein's Monster

 

In today's world there's a lot of very recognizable titans of Terror, most of whom everyone from 99 year old grandmother's to curious toddlers can easily identify. The fact of the matter is there's ALOT more people who know these characters than even Know the movies they came from. 

One character in particular is above all others in that regard to the point that most folks who know his face don't even actually know what this lowly abomination is actually called, largely due to the fact that he's shambled across more t-shirts and breakfast cereals than he has movies(and considering how many movies this fella has appeared in that's saying ALOT!) 

That creature is Frankenstein' Monster (also incorrectly called simply Frankenstein)

 While Many, many men (and women) have donned the bolts,scars and platform shoe no one has embodied the sad, furious creature as well as the outstanding Boris Karloff.

,

 Sadly none of the previous incarnations of this particular beast did any justice to this incarnation...until now

Introducing Neca's Ultimate Frankenstein's Monster figure (black and white edition)

The first standout thing about this figure is the outstanding headsculpts that PERFECTLY replicate Karloff's distinctive rendition of the character. What's great here and is a true testament to the skills of the artists over at Neca is how paint applications and shadowing with the gorgeous greywash black and white look makes it so angling each head at a slightly different angle can create a snarl, a playful smile, morose, deep sadness, or a dead pan lifeless visage, all with only 3 heads!

The body is also beautifully rendered with a rubbery softer plastic being utilized for the jacket to give it a fabric look that really makes it pop and the same treatment being used to give the pants a very alive feel as well. Also really love the platform shoes that alot of other companies tend to forget.

We also get, wearable chains (the cut marks on the wrists being actual grooves instead of just pain apps was a nice touch) and 2 daiseys, as well as two sets of changeable hands, which allow him to reach, hold the daiseys, and resting hands.

He also stands above the customary 7 inch figures (I don't have a ruler handy but he's gotta be close to 7 1/2 inches) which matches with what we saw on screen

Im in love with the way this figure looks. He's also available in technicolor but I have to say I am very happy I have the one with the black and white look as I personally hated the colorized version of the film and this look really brought back great memories of watching late night horror movies with my Dad in my youth.

Neca also did releases of The Mummy, and the Wolfman. I was lucky enough to receive The Mummy which we will touch on soon but I hope to see a lot more classic monsters from Neca. Here's to hoping for The Fly, The Bride, and giant Ant from THEM!!!

Like this review and want to see more like it? Be sure to spread the word to others and help us keep going and growing!! Have something you'd like to see reviewed here? 

Send to:

Drew Mead

PO box 655

Glens falls

NY 12801

Please do not send anything you need returned